Out of alignment, and the journey back
“I thought I was fine -- until I was flat on the floor, wondering what happened.”
The Slow, Quiet Drift
Many of us are walking around (so to speak) slightly or severely out of alignment, physically or metaphorically, without even knowing it.
Until one day comes and we suddenly do know it, with every ounce of our awareness.
Life brings its knocks and pings to all of us, its minor dents alongside the bigger blows.
Sometimes we barely lend them any attention. Sometimes, we stop for a brief time and tend to them just until we think they’re healed enough to continue along on our merry way.
Most of the time, we convince ourselves it’s nothing and acclimate to being overtired, overburdened, disrespected, and stressed out.
We begin to drift out of alignment, like a slow but constant and unseen tectonic shift, until the pressure finally gives way.
We’re a resilient species, and the modern world likes to see us brush off the dust and get back on our proverbial feet quickly.
We often overlook the signs of burnout and the debilitating effects of poor posture.
We overcommit ourselves as we struggle to get through our overscheduled days, and we dismiss the initial notes of pain that tell us to ease up on ourselves.
We often neglect our spiritual side and live primarily in our heads, disconnected from nature, our inner selves, and the wisdom that comes from tuning into our bodies.
We stay in relationships and careers that don’t value us, and we acclimate to that, too.
We disregard the signals to slow down and learn to tolerate the lingering discomfort, pushing through, often because we must, and usually because we believe we must.
No one likes a complainer, we’ve been told.
We trudge onwards, barely conscious of the pauses between new and yet unforeseen scrapes and bruises.
This is just the way of things.
It’s pretty much inevitable that we collect our share of scars by the time we’ve reached the end of our respective roads.
We slowly accumulate misalignments of one form or another, and this can leave us spiritually, physically, and emotionally misshapen.
I spent the first 50 years or so of my life out of alignment in ways I couldn’t even fathom, and at a level that would soon have me quite literally on the floor.
And boy, have I ever learned some things…
The Breaking Point: Sudden Awareness
It didn’t hit me at first.
I thought it might be a flare of IBS or a painful period coming on, so I did the usual home remedies for those things.
It still didn’t hit me when, while trying to mow my lawn, my legs felt like tree trunks underneath me, the tightness in my abdomen now up to my ribcage, and walking became laborious at best.
It only started to enter my consciousness that something was off when I needed to hold onto the walls to walk down the hallway at work, and when I had to start counting the steps back to the parking structure.
But still, I kept going, because I believed I had to.
I could barely stand to teach my classes, or even sit, or make it through the days at work.
I drove myself home each day, tilted entirely on one hip all the way back.
I vividly remember referring to the pain as “unholy.”
Soon, it was too difficult to go up and down the stairs at home, and I found myself camped out on my living room floor.
Now, it was clear: I could no longer deny that my body was saying “no more.”
Lessons From the Floor
Time went on, and I was still living on my floor, barely able to move.
It took forever to find the right doctors…
Though I was finally forced into listening to my body’s command to stop, I wasn’t yet clear on what exactly it was insisting that I stop doing.
Moving? Working/working too hard? Constantly overdoing it? Going without real sleep? Being chronically stressed? Letting people bully me around? Living on protein bars and fruit cups?
Yes. All of that, and then some.
I had to take medical leave from work, and I had a lot of time to think.
I began to see how the pace of my life had chipped away at me, bit by bit.
I saw the extent of the damage that had been done over the years.
My physical therapist, the one who knew what she was doing, told me, “You are horrifically out of alignment.”
Not only that….my body was done compensating for past surgeries, a fall from a horse at age 10, sprains, hunching over a computer, and lugging too many books around campus at a furious pace.
My body was done listening to hateful words from toxic, abusive men and others bent on meanness.
It was done going without real nourishment, sustaining connections with healthy people, having adequate space for my spiritual life, and honoring myself.
It was done being out of alignment, in so many ways.
What Alignment Means Now
It took time to examine and reassess everything.
I see now that my body knows far more, and far sooner, than my conscious awareness does about what true alignment means.
All that I had previously thought was well aligned on the surface was just that: superficial, temporary, finite, and an illusion.
Now, I listen. I observe.
My body is what I consult with first.
I trust how things feel, quite literally in my bones.
I live in alignment with my truth.
I’ve completely redefined what “productive” means, what “reasonable” looks like, and what “peace” feels like.
I know what strength and resilience mean to me now, compared to what they meant before.
I know now that true alignment means coming from a place of flow and openness, rather than clinging fiercely to false walls for support.
I know now that alignment feels like breathing from my whole chest, slowly and deeply.
It’s seeing that the words coming at me now are words of love, kindness, support, and wisdom.
It’s friendships and connections with people who seek wholeness.
It’s setting my own pace and making my own rules.
It’s being in harmonious wholeness with oneself, from a place of self-honor and self-compassion.
It’s when “yes” feels like “yes,” and “no” feels like “no,” and knowing the difference.
It’s unfractured, untethered, delicious self-agency.
Moving Forward: Gently, Intentionally, and Aligned
Recovering from misalignment in its many forms has been a long but wonderful journey.
I live and move more gently now.
I ask myself, “What feels possible today?” and I listen to the answer.
I’m learning to ask more of myself, rather than demand.
I still catch myself pushing the boundary, but I never go past it.
I’m creating the life I’ve dreamed of, which I didn’t have the courage to do before.
I live by a new rhythm, one that feels natural and right.
I live with a new intentionality and sense of purpose.
I’m in a place of expansion and growth, rather than constriction and pressure.
I now know how to stop and reset when needed.
I allow for a kind of flexibility I could never have entertained before.
I relinquish my sense of control in full deference to my body’s wisdom.
I stay in tune with alignment by regularly checking in with myself, by listening to my intuition, and by going with the flow rather than rigidly planning my days.
I stay in alignment by learning to speak my truth and upholding my self-respect.
I stay aligned by tapping into my inner life, by creating, and by attuning to the natural world.
I stay aligned by holding the deepest gratitude for the collapse of my former way of life.
I no longer fear the physical pain.
It might always be there, but now I see it as my guardian and my guide.
It will always tell me the truth.
Most importantly, I always bear in mind what it took for me to finally pay attention, and I remember what I’ve endured and all I’ve overcome since then.
The journey has been worth everything it cost me.
I wish for you to find alignment, too, preferably before life forces the journey back to it upon you.
If it already has, please know that you can find your way, and it can be even better this time.
We have more power than we realize.
We just have to be willing to stop and listen.
With you on the journey,
Julie 💕
*chronic pain self-awareness self-discovery wakeup call courage resilience healing journey harmonious living reclaiming ourselves alignment