Things we shouldn’t have to get sick to learn
Things We Shouldn't Have to Get Sick to Learn
We often talk about what people living with chronic conditions need to learn, adjust to, or do differently. But what if we flipped the conversation and considered what their experiences might teach us all about living well?
This isn’t to say people with these conditions have it all figured out or that they’ve mastered the art of navigating challenges. At the same time, they’ve often had more reason to grapple with them, usually with greater urgency.
Living with chronic pain or illness can quickly bring certain questions to the forefront of everyday life. How much can I reasonably ask of myself? What do I actually need? When should I speak up? What deserves my energy? These are questions that matter to everyone, whether or not their health has forced them to confront them head-on.
Learning to trust ourselves
Many of us live with an exceptional level of self-doubt, frequently second-guessing ourselves or relying on others to guide us into certainty. This is common even among people who aren't facing significant health challenges.
Those of us with chronic conditions tend to be pretty familiar with this, too. We often find ourselves navigating situations where our experiences aren’t immediately visible or easy to explain, which can make things a bit awkward. We may encounter doubt or suspicion from others, sometimes to the point of questioning our own perceptions.
Additionally, many well-meaning people offer advice to those of us with chronic conditions, sharing suggestions and anecdotes to have something helpful to say. It can be hard to tell the difference between listening to advice and surrendering our own judgment. Being repeatedly questioned or dismissed can create stress and self-doubt beyond the challenges of the medical condition itself. I've learned that I can appreciate someone's good intentions without feeling obliged to follow their advice.
Ideally, we come to recognize what we know to be true for ourselves and go by that as our primary compass, even when someone else sees the situation differently. This self-trust can take time to develop, especially when we’ve been automatically deferring to others our whole lives.
Developing this kind of self-trust is valuable for all of us, regardless of our health and circumstances. It also requires a willingness to believe we are a reliable source of knowledge and experience about our own lives.
Speaking up for what we need
How many times have you gone to extraordinary lengths just to avoid being an inconvenience to someone? Personally, I’ve lost count.
This is a common dilemma: how to ask for the help we need, when we need it. It sounds easy enough, but actually doing it can be tricky. Those of us living with chronic conditions often struggle with this one, particularly if we've been the ones offering support and encouragement to others. Finding ourselves in a position of need can take some getting used to.
Sometimes this calls for a little self-examination about what it means to need help, where those ideas formed, and whether they still serve us.
Self-advocacy takes many forms and extends far beyond medical settings, though this may be the first context in which people encounter the idea. Sometimes it starts with simply communicating how we feel and what obstacles we face each day. Other times, it means asking questions, requesting clarification, or saying that something isn't working for us. Even expressing a preference without feeling obliged to offer an elaborate explanation can make a difference.
And one of the challenges of self-advocacy is learning to speak up even when the response isn't what we'd hoped. Not everyone will understand or agree, but that doesn't automatically mean we were wrong to express ourselves.
Many people living with ongoing health challenges want to remain as self-sufficient as possible, something most of us can appreciate. Finding a balance between staying independent where we can and asking for help when that's the better choice is easier when everyone involved shares a desire for mutual respect and understanding.
Speaking to our needs, and doing so with confidence, usually involves unlearning old beliefs and patterns in favor of a new dynamic that benefits everyone involved. It's a skill that can serve us in every area of life, regardless of our health.
Prioritizing our own well-being
Thanks to years of external conditioning, most of us have learned to push ourselves to the edge of our capacity in many areas of life. Caring for others, ignoring our bodies’ pleas for rest and healing, and the demands of work and family life… all of these can push self-care to the bottom of the to-do list. We take this as normal and expected, rarely stopping to question whether it really makes sense for us. I’ve certainly been guilty of that myself.
When chronic pain or illness enters the picture, the need to reconsider those priorities can become much harder to put aside. While the idea of prioritizing their well-being might be new to many people, they may soon realize that the old way of thinking just isn't going to serve them anymore.
Learning to give ourselves the consideration we deserve can be a big adjustment. It can almost feel selfish at first, and it might even feel like we’re letting others down. But once we see that taking better care of our own needs benefits others as well as ourselves, it’s easier to make it a priority.
Having walked this path, many of us wish we'd learned one particular lesson before pain or illness struck: We don’t have to wait until we’re depleted, overwhelmed, or physically unable to continue as we once did before deciding that our needs deserve as much consideration as anything else we deem important.
Prioritizing our own well-being isn’t a guideline that is just for those who are chronically ill or live with pain. It’s good wisdom that applies to everyone.
Reconsidering expectations
The expectations we have of ourselves can often be unrealistic or self-sabotaging. Our ideas about productivity, reliability, independence, relationships, what a good day should look like, or how much we ought to accomplish can add up to standards that are difficult, if not impossible, to maintain. We may not even realize how deeply ingrained these beliefs are or how much they influence the way we move through our days.
Some expectations are beneficial. They help us live and work together, respect one another, and fulfill our responsibilities. However, some are less so, often rooted in the unhealthy belief that our worth is tied to our output and performance. The lines between the two can blur and be hard to distinguish, so we often err on the side of caution and keep moving forward, whether it’s constructive or not. I've found that some of the hardest expectations to reconsider are the ones I never consciously chose in the first place.
Chronic illness or pain can make those expectations difficult to ignore. Learning to question them is often a useful way to start reassessing what’s realistic and what isn’t in different chapters of life. Many of us living with chronic conditions begin this reassessment out of necessity, only to discover that doing so was long overdue.
We may feel some initial resistance as we detach from rules we lived by in the past, and that’s a perfectly normal response. Yet over time, we may find that standards aligned with where we are now make life a little easier to navigate. It’s a much more compassionate approach, one that removes self-imposed pressure we probably needed to let go of anyway.
These are only a few of the things people contend with when chronic illness or pain enters the scene, and several are often faced at once. Yet each one of these can make sense for everyone to consider, simply by virtue of being human.
Those living with such ongoing conditions aren’t automatically experts in any of these challenges. But a lot of them will tell you that we shouldn’t have to get sick before we start asking ourselves new questions or reflecting on the rules we live by.
It’s worth our time and energy to make life a little better for ourselves, especially when we can do so by choice. Perhaps some of life's most valuable lessons are the ones we don't have to learn the hard way.
With you on the journey,
Julie 🍃